The Process of Removing Weeds
In anticipation of a wedding I've weaseled my way into this weekend, I saw "Wedding Crashers" last night. I would like to, once and for all dispel this myth of weddings being a great place to meet women. That is hollywood horseshit.
So, I've never met any women at a wedding, but I have woken up with a stranger in my bed...
In June, I went to my cousin Burke's wedding up in Cape Cod. I'm rooming with my cousins in a cheap-o beach motel, with wood paneling and showers that lead into the hallway. (NOTE: I have approximately 700 cousins, and we're all drunks)
The wedding was at 5 PM, so after the reception we go to the bar, and two of the cousins rooming with, fall asleep standing up at the bar, then wander back to the motel on their own. So, I go out for a cigarette with the Best Man/Groom's brother/my mother's Godson/My cousin Bill, and he introduces me to one of his best friends Mike. We all just bullshit for awhile, and I go back inside and close down the bar with the rest of my family.
We all walk back to the motel. We stop to watch a cop pull a guy over and the guy from the bar, Mike, comes up, and says, "I saw you guys in suits, I came to this hotel with some chicks and they just went to bed, can I sleep on your floor for like 2 hours?"
This is the groom's good friend, what's the harm?
Although there are 3 rooms open, but he gets put into my room, but I'm drunk and I don't care, he can sleep on my floor.
He passes out in his suit on the floor, he says he doesn't need a pillow, or covers, he'll just be there a couple hours.
I pass out and the next thing I know, this dude is under the covers, next to me, with his shirt off, sound asleep.
I'm exhausted, but I'm wide awake, clutching the sheets like a kid scared of the monster in his closet.
What should I do? Wake him up?
My cousin Bill said this dude was looking for a fight last night, so I don't want to piss him off, but he is in my fucking bed!
So I just fall back to sleep and proceed to wake up every 3 minutes wondering what I should do?
My cousin Chris comes in and looks at me like what's going on, and I just shrug.
Then my Cousin Mike wakes up in the other bed and rather than help me out, he gets up, says "I have a headache, I'm going to the beach to read."
I just want to sleep. And this dude, is just like hey, what's up. Goes over to the fridge, starts drinking a Yuengling, and gets back into the bed.
Then he proceeds to Nextel all his friends at 8AM.
I move over to my cousin's bed and try to sleep, hoping if I ignore him he'll go away.
But he's like, "Hey, I live in NY too! You should see my band!"
I'm dropping hints, "Maybe you should get back to the your place," and "I don't know what the plan is for today, you better go find your friends."
Finally he leaves. And I can't get back to sleep.
So, I shower and go to the beach house where my family is staying. Cousin mike has proceeded to tell everyone that I had some dude in my bed.
It's bad enough that I'm the only Jew in the family, but I'm also the theatre kid in a family of athletes. Now this.
So, I've never met any women at a wedding, but I have woken up with a stranger in my bed...
In June, I went to my cousin Burke's wedding up in Cape Cod. I'm rooming with my cousins in a cheap-o beach motel, with wood paneling and showers that lead into the hallway. (NOTE: I have approximately 700 cousins, and we're all drunks)
The wedding was at 5 PM, so after the reception we go to the bar, and two of the cousins rooming with, fall asleep standing up at the bar, then wander back to the motel on their own. So, I go out for a cigarette with the Best Man/Groom's brother/my mother's Godson/My cousin Bill, and he introduces me to one of his best friends Mike. We all just bullshit for awhile, and I go back inside and close down the bar with the rest of my family.
We all walk back to the motel. We stop to watch a cop pull a guy over and the guy from the bar, Mike, comes up, and says, "I saw you guys in suits, I came to this hotel with some chicks and they just went to bed, can I sleep on your floor for like 2 hours?"
This is the groom's good friend, what's the harm?
Although there are 3 rooms open, but he gets put into my room, but I'm drunk and I don't care, he can sleep on my floor.
He passes out in his suit on the floor, he says he doesn't need a pillow, or covers, he'll just be there a couple hours.
I pass out and the next thing I know, this dude is under the covers, next to me, with his shirt off, sound asleep.
I'm exhausted, but I'm wide awake, clutching the sheets like a kid scared of the monster in his closet.
What should I do? Wake him up?
My cousin Bill said this dude was looking for a fight last night, so I don't want to piss him off, but he is in my fucking bed!
So I just fall back to sleep and proceed to wake up every 3 minutes wondering what I should do?
My cousin Chris comes in and looks at me like what's going on, and I just shrug.
Then my Cousin Mike wakes up in the other bed and rather than help me out, he gets up, says "I have a headache, I'm going to the beach to read."
I just want to sleep. And this dude, is just like hey, what's up. Goes over to the fridge, starts drinking a Yuengling, and gets back into the bed.
Then he proceeds to Nextel all his friends at 8AM.
I move over to my cousin's bed and try to sleep, hoping if I ignore him he'll go away.
But he's like, "Hey, I live in NY too! You should see my band!"
I'm dropping hints, "Maybe you should get back to the your place," and "I don't know what the plan is for today, you better go find your friends."
Finally he leaves. And I can't get back to sleep.
So, I shower and go to the beach house where my family is staying. Cousin mike has proceeded to tell everyone that I had some dude in my bed.
It's bad enough that I'm the only Jew in the family, but I'm also the theatre kid in a family of athletes. Now this.
posted by Dan Bookbinder at
10:43 AM
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